Gravity of Depression

  The Gravity Of Depression

I haven't posted in a while; I didn't know what to write about. Normally I write when inspiration hits. I don't just want to write about anything and make it meaningless. I like to write things that will inspire or that will resonate with my readers. It's important for a writer to connect with their readers so their readers know they are not alone. Whether it's a motivational piece of writing or a deep meaningful piece of writing. Either way I like my readers to know they are not alone in their lives. 

The last week I have been weighed down, shattered and enduring an agonising episode of depression. Every single day. Today would make it the 7^th day of torment. The gravity of depression should not be underestimated. I was waiting at a station and I was so consumed by thoughts, I walked to edge of platform and wondered what it would have been like. I just felt like a lost and forgotten soul on this earth, I watched people on the platform with their friends, laughing, taking selfies and just looking free and happy. I shouldn’t have judged because nobody knows what people are feeling deep down, but I wished I could be happy like them, I wish I could smile without my face hurting from the pain of faking it.

 I have felt so heavy, heavy enough that I physically struggle to keep my head up. I’m not talking metaphorically either. I remember a couple of days ago, walking home, I could barely walk. I felt like I was on a treadmill and I wasn’t going anywhere, I was moving so slowly and everything around me was going so fast. I could barely lift my head up to see where I was going and frankly, I didn’t want to either, I didn’t know if I wanted to get home, because what would I have done? I wanted the world to stop for a second, I wanted the noise to stop, I wanted my thoughts to stop, I wanted my pain to stop, I wanted the sadness and pain the go away. I wanted to stop.

I’m so consumed by intangible sadness, which makes it worse because I can’t put a plaster on it and make it better. I wish I could, I wish it was a cut that would go away with a bit of anti-septic cream and a little plaster with smiley faces on. Instead it’s an everlasting pain, an everlasting broken part of me that a cast for a broken leg or arm won’t fix, an everlasting cut a plaster or anti-septic cream won’t fix. For me, even my bipolar pills are struggling at the moment.

Gravity is the force that attracts the body towards the centre of the earth or towards any physical body. Depression has gravity too, depression can bring one down, so far, that you succumb to it. The gravity of depression hits so deep that some can no longer carry on and leave this earth. The gravity of depression is so strong it causes physiological aspects, such as slow movements.

I lack personal hygiene when I’m in a fractured state. It may sound disgusting to some and yes, I’m ashamed to admit it but when I’m in a severe state of depression I am so consumed by such a desperate state of despondency I just lose all touch of reality and self-care.
Not because I don’t care because I’m sure that deep down I do, and I am a very clean and hygienic person, but I lose my sense of self, I am weighed down by the burden, the overwhelming and darkness and finally gravity of depression. It’s so heavy I cannot breathe, move and sometimes even talk.

For those reading this I don’t want to reinforce your depression, nor do I want to cause any triggers for you. I want you to know that you are not alone, that there is someone else going through the same, there is someone else weighed down by the gravity of depression. But! I also want you to know there is always a way out. There is always a way to lift something up.

You make a cup of tea, you put the cup down. How does that cup stay down? Gravity! But you lift that cup up. Yes, gravity holds it down, but it isn’t cemented down by gravity. It is possible to lift it up. It’s the same with yourself, your thoughts, your feelings. You can lift yourself up. You can rise above.

What do I hope for now? Well, for the next hour, next few days, the next week. I hope to pick myself up. Rise above and live. Of course I’m not going to pretend life is sunshine and rainbows, but as the Japanese proverb says “Nana korobi ya oki” Which means seven falls, getting up eight. Translated as, fall down 7 stand up 8. No matter how many times we fall down, we MUST keep standing.

When you were a baby learning to walk and you fell. Over and over again, did you give up? No, you kept on until you learned how to walk (providing you had means to do so) Think of it as that, learning to walk.

 

I hope this provides you with the knowledge that you are not alone.

 

Remember, Live Free