Gravity of Depression

  The Gravity Of Depression

I haven't posted in a while; I didn't know what to write about. Normally I write when inspiration hits. I don't just want to write about anything and make it meaningless. I like to write things that will inspire or that will resonate with my readers. It's important for a writer to connect with their readers so their readers know they are not alone. Whether it's a motivational piece of writing or a deep meaningful piece of writing. Either way I like my readers to know they are not alone in their lives. 

The last week I have been weighed down, shattered and enduring an agonising episode of depression. Every single day. Today would make it the 7^th day of torment. The gravity of depression should not be underestimated. I was waiting at a station and I was so consumed by thoughts, I walked to edge of platform and wondered what it would have been like. I just felt like a lost and forgotten soul on this earth, I watched people on the platform with their friends, laughing, taking selfies and just looking free and happy. I shouldn’t have judged because nobody knows what people are feeling deep down, but I wished I could be happy like them, I wish I could smile without my face hurting from the pain of faking it.

 I have felt so heavy, heavy enough that I physically struggle to keep my head up. I’m not talking metaphorically either. I remember a couple of days ago, walking home, I could barely walk. I felt like I was on a treadmill and I wasn’t going anywhere, I was moving so slowly and everything around me was going so fast. I could barely lift my head up to see where I was going and frankly, I didn’t want to either, I didn’t know if I wanted to get home, because what would I have done? I wanted the world to stop for a second, I wanted the noise to stop, I wanted my thoughts to stop, I wanted my pain to stop, I wanted the sadness and pain the go away. I wanted to stop.

I’m so consumed by intangible sadness, which makes it worse because I can’t put a plaster on it and make it better. I wish I could, I wish it was a cut that would go away with a bit of anti-septic cream and a little plaster with smiley faces on. Instead it’s an everlasting pain, an everlasting broken part of me that a cast for a broken leg or arm won’t fix, an everlasting cut a plaster or anti-septic cream won’t fix. For me, even my bipolar pills are struggling at the moment.

Gravity is the force that attracts the body towards the centre of the earth or towards any physical body. Depression has gravity too, depression can bring one down, so far, that you succumb to it. The gravity of depression hits so deep that some can no longer carry on and leave this earth. The gravity of depression is so strong it causes physiological aspects, such as slow movements.

I lack personal hygiene when I’m in a fractured state. It may sound disgusting to some and yes, I’m ashamed to admit it but when I’m in a severe state of depression I am so consumed by such a desperate state of despondency I just lose all touch of reality and self-care.
Not because I don’t care because I’m sure that deep down I do, and I am a very clean and hygienic person, but I lose my sense of self, I am weighed down by the burden, the overwhelming and darkness and finally gravity of depression. It’s so heavy I cannot breathe, move and sometimes even talk.

For those reading this I don’t want to reinforce your depression, nor do I want to cause any triggers for you. I want you to know that you are not alone, that there is someone else going through the same, there is someone else weighed down by the gravity of depression. But! I also want you to know there is always a way out. There is always a way to lift something up.

You make a cup of tea, you put the cup down. How does that cup stay down? Gravity! But you lift that cup up. Yes, gravity holds it down, but it isn’t cemented down by gravity. It is possible to lift it up. It’s the same with yourself, your thoughts, your feelings. You can lift yourself up. You can rise above.

What do I hope for now? Well, for the next hour, next few days, the next week. I hope to pick myself up. Rise above and live. Of course I’m not going to pretend life is sunshine and rainbows, but as the Japanese proverb says “Nana korobi ya oki” Which means seven falls, getting up eight. Translated as, fall down 7 stand up 8. No matter how many times we fall down, we MUST keep standing.

When you were a baby learning to walk and you fell. Over and over again, did you give up? No, you kept on until you learned how to walk (providing you had means to do so) Think of it as that, learning to walk.

 

I hope this provides you with the knowledge that you are not alone.

 

Remember, Live Free

Nurturing

 Nurturing

 

Nurturing. Let’s talk about nurturing, Let’s talk about what it is, how it helps and what the absence of such a magical feeling has on an individual. Let’s talk about living free, this won’t be much about living free (live free – my favourite motto) as I want to do a separate piece on this. This will be largely on ‘nurturing’.

 I despised myself, I’m crippled with insecurities, low self-esteem, self-loathing and pretty much everything else. I fear myself more than anybody else in this world, because I know I am the one who can do the most harm. I can hurt me more than anybody else and boy! Don’t I do the job! 

 

You see, nurturing is imperative to a child or anybody for that matter, to enable them to love themselves, learn to care for themselves, learn to trust themselves and most of all provide them the ability to spread their wings and live free. It should happen when you grow up, nurturing should happen from a young age to provide you with a healthy upbringing and as some might say a ‘healthy mind’. For those who might be confused as to what nurturing is. Nurturing is defined as caring and protecting someone of something that is growing. Which includes empowering, helping and encouragement, cherish them and enable them to live freely, follow their hopes and dreams and eventually go out into this big world be themselves and of course have the confidence to live free. As you can imagine, a absence of this can have everlasting effects. Not only does the individual not feel valued, cherished, loved, nurtured and encouraged but they begin to question who they are as a person, what they are on this earth for, what their purpose is. After all, who has nurtured them to be themselves? How could they possibly know who they are if nobody has moulded them or enabled them to flourish. Of course, this is my experience and opinion. Some may disagree, which is OK. 

 

I have questioned my personality, my purpose, my existence and even love. I have often battled with the concept of the absence of nurturing. You see, absence can come in many forms. You might be encouraged to prevail academically but there is a collapse in the emotional side of things. This lacks one side of nurturing. Another side could be, a lacking of the mental stimulation, mum or dad or spouse might work a lot thus not providing you with some of the stimulation you might need, whether that’s help with work, someone to chat too (which includes emotional) or just simply spending time together. 

 

Absence of nurturing can also cause an individual to deviate in their lives, I don’t just mean turn to crime, gangs, sex, drugs and alcoholism. But also deviate from their existence, they create a false persona, they change their way of thinking, they become absent. I have been, shall we say, ‘victim’ of this. I have changed my personality in order to ‘fit in’ I have changed my way of thinking to blend in with those around me, I have changed my whole demeanour in order to fit in and blend in with my surroundings, like a chameleon I have changed my colours in order to fit. 

 

I think nurturing is overlooked by the fact people just don’t abuse, people think the fact they don’t abuse one another means they’re living in a happy and stable home. This is not the case – an absence of nurturing is in fact a form of abuse.

 

I know someone, I won’t say names, who has a child. One of the greatest gift’s life could ever present someone with. A life. A beautiful life. A Life we sometimes learn to love more than our own lives. Some people unfortunately don’t get to experience this, but for those that do, they are indeed very blessed. Sadly, some people don’t embrace that and though they are blessed with a beautiful boy or girl they abuse their position. 

I know someone, who is very blessed to have a little life, who has brought a young life into this world. This particular person has absolutely no concept of how to nurture a child.  They’re young, perhaps too young, mentally and emotionally to have brought a child into the world. But who am I to judge? Anyway, as a bystander I see this child, lack of nurturing, lack of stimulation just pure existence. The child may get attention, toys, excitement but where are the bedtime stories? Nursery rhymes? Kisses? Cuddles? Little sayings like ‘you’re important’ ‘you’re cherished’ ‘you’re loved’. Learning new words, learning phrases, learning sentences. Instead this child is bought, spoilt, no naughty step, no discipline. I think it’s fair to say partially feral. Will this child become another statistic of a lost soul from a broken home? Yes, there is a lack of abuse, or is there? Because there certainly is a lack of nurturing. So, will this child grow up conflicted? Who knows, maybe, maybe not. Who am I to judge? I just know from experience.

 

This page was not to bad mouth anyone, it is merely to convey the importance of nurturing and the ability to live free. 

Nurturing can happen at absolutely any age, so what I stress is this. If you did not receive it as a child, do not give up, don’t feel that you do not deserve it. You do, you will find it. You need to meet the right person who will in-fact nurture you the way you need. Whether that’s a father figure, mother figure or romantically. You will belong, you will be somebody, you do have a purpose, you do have an existence. 

Do not change for anyone or anything. Embrace who you are, faults and all. Life is about acceptance as well as loving and finding ourselves. We must accept in order to move on, yes you had an absence of nurturing, but it does not mean you will not receive it. You most certainly are entitled to it, and you will find it. You need to meet the right person and you will get exactly what you are destined for, surround yourself with the right people. Positivity, happiness, those who accept you for you and you will flourish, you will prevail, you will take this world by storm. Believe in yourself, walk with confidence and others will believe in you too. 

 

If you haven’t been told YET, walk with the knowledge that you are important, you are beautiful, you are loved, you are heard, you are cherished, and you are going to go places. It doesn’t happen naturally you have to work for it, but it will happen. You deserve it and it WILL happen. Above all, Live Free.

Love always

FF

Lets talk about life

                                                           Lets talks about life

Life? It's a wonderful thing, a gift. It has its ups, it has such a beauty, such grace. You can do so much with life, live it, embrace it, conquer things, see things, travel, educate, learn and so much more. 

But - what do we do when life feels like it's knocking us down like a ton of bricks?

Many, give up. Many succumb to the depths of despair, they succumb to their overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. Thus they turn to various acts to get by.

Others find inner strength, they keep on keeping on, they push on through, they crack on, they carry on and they flourish. They get through, find the light and things DO get better, no matter how dark things may have seemed before. 

You see, life will have its ups and downs, nobody sails through life without them. Even if they seem to on instagram and Facebook. Everybody has their demons. Social media has a habit of showing us the good sides of life. As a result we presume that the person we are following has a perfect life and we then compare our lives to theirs, leading us to become envious or even sad that our lives aren't as 'perfect' as theirs seems. 

We often compare during life, we compare ourselves all the time. We compare our bodies, our homes, our lives, our clothes, the amount of money we make. I too am guilty of doing this. I have compared myself so much I have lost who I am, I have lost touch with myself. I no longer feel that I am worthy of anything I have accomplished, I no longer feel that I am good enough because I don't seem to match any of the people I compare myself too. 

I am blessed In my life, I have a loving family, I have a roof over my head, I have education, I have health. Why do I need to compare myself? the truth is, I just don't feel satisfied with myself, which in itself is a very sad concept. We shouldn't ever feel this way. We have ourselves for the rest of our lives and it is imperative that we learn to appreciate and love ourselves. 

I suffer with body dysmorphia, I am obsessed with the way I look, not for vanity reasons. But, I am severely self conscious. I don't like my nose, my eyes, my lips, my ears, my body. Yet, my instagram shows a different version, selfies, smiling videos and fun. We all wear masks. Nobody will see the pain I feel behind my mask because on social media I convey a fun, happy and bubbly person. Of course I'm not going to show anything else, after all, isn't it about getting followers?

I have recently learned that I no longer care for followers, I want to use my platform on social media to raise awareness. Raise awareness for causes such a mental health. Which is very close to my heart. 

I used to think I wanted fame and fortune. Little did I know that really what I was seeking in my life was happiness, acceptance and appreciation. I have found this out now. I don't really need fame and fortune to be someone. I just need to be me, I need to find true happiness, I need to love myself, appreciate myself and what will be will be. The right friends will come along, success will come along, and with hard work the right career path will fall into place. 

We spend our lives questioning 'what is the meaning of life?' I believe we actually need to question 'how can I truly be happy?' this is where you will find meaning. We need to figure out how to truly embrace lives, embrace ourselves and live life to the fullest. Of course there will be ups and downs, but there is always a light, you must push on. Head up, shoulders back, chest proud and keep on keeping on. Yes, you may find you compare yourself to others, but learn to appreciate yourself. Embrace the journey, learn to love your journey. Everyone is enduring a journey. including you. Learn to love yourself more, appreciate yourself. If you want to buy that top, buy it, walk with confidence and damn well ROCK IT! 

We cannot be consumed by the harshness life can throw at us, we must battle on through fight back. Structure and discipline, find your purpose. Everybody has a purpose, including you. 

With that, I will love you and leave you,

Food for thought. 

Live Free

FF

Love & Loss

                                      Love and loss

I've loved and lost, as have so many. It's strange because loss is such a permanent thing, it is the true definition of a heart break. I don't mean a break-up, or friendship ending. Though a loss that may be, in this blog I will be discussing bereavement. 

Bereaved, deprivation of a loved one, such as family or friend, through their death. Death, a word that frightens so many of us. What does death mean to you? ask yourself.

For many, it's a chance to be reborn, a chance to see loved ones, visit heaven a chance to be at peace. 

For me? I like to see death as the opportunity to visit those I have loved and lost, that brings me comfort. I like the idea that when we unfortunately lose someone, we are blessed with their presence again when it is our time to get called to the gates of heaven. 

I have lost many in my 25 years of life. Loved and lost, I've suffered, i'm heartbroken, I am crippled with heart ache and I am yearning to see those again, those who blessed me with their presence. 

Death, bereavement, heartache does hurt, not just emotionally but it brings an intense physical pain. An indescribable pain that words alone could not convey. However, it also brings lessons. 

When you lose a loved one, it provides you with an overwhelming desire to appreciate more. Appreciate life, appreciate things, appreciate people and appreciate the present. 

Is bereavement just another life lesson?

Life and death two opposing concepts, yet somehow they interlink with each other in teaching us lessons. Through life we learn about death and through death we learn about life. 

We take a lot for granted in our lives and that's OK, we can't beat ourselves up over that. We are all our own worst enemies, in one way or another. 

We learn in life that we don't appreciate things enough until they are no longer with us, this is one of the truest statements I have ever read. You truly don't know what you have, until it is gone. With the absence of appreciation or little appreciation or even just not enough appreciation we then live with the crippling feeling of regret.

Regret - disappointment over something that someone has done has failed to do. Failure, another word we all live in fear of. Failure, what scares you most about failure? 

Failure scares me, the idea that I am not good enough, the idea that I attempted something and did not succeed. The thought that I would let others down. Failure also scares me when I think I have failed a person, whether I could have done more for them, could I have loved them better, cared more, helped more, listened more, been there more. 

When losing a loved one the feeling of regret is absolutely inevitable, it's almost bound to happen to everyone. Even if you done everything you was supposed to do, you were there every minute, you done everything perfectly, you listened, you cared, you loved hard. There will always be something that you will regret. 

The idea that we won't see a loved one again is so unbearable we have to punish ourselves, whether consciously or unconsciously, sometimes this manifests into regrets. Even though we may feel we did do enough, we will beat ourselves up over and over again, dwelling and hating ourselves because in reality the truth is we cannot stand to wake in the morning make a cup of coffee, sit at that dining room table staring at that empty chair. Knowing that we now have to endure all day and everyday without that person, without their smile, without their smell, without their presence, without their charm, their love. Without them. 

How does one comprehend the concept of loss? how do you carry on living when the person you love is no longer living? how do you continue to eat, drink, sleep, dress, wash and live. Knowing that the person you absolutely adore is no longer walking on this earth. These questions will never be answered as they depends from person to person. For me, I will never comprehend it, I struggle to accept it, I struggle to live with it but what provides me with comfort is that I hope, one day, to see them again. 

Everybody has to hold on the their faith, their hope. Everybody has to embrace courage. Courage will get you through absolutely anything. So if you ever find yourself struggling, dig deep, very deep if you're struggling. Find something to give yourself meaning. Find the answers you need. Create hope, faith and truly believe in it. It's yours and nobody can take it away from you. 

If you are struggling with loss, find something that provides you with comfort, whether it's the thought of seeing them again, listening to their songs, the smell of their clothes. Anything. Embrace yourself and create warmth, surround yourself with positivity and through this courage will manifest and strength will be born. You will learn you can get through it and as each day goes by the stronger you will become, you will never forget. You may never accept. That's OK. But you can, become stronger. You can still live. Just because they have died, does not mean you have to die too. Embrace life, and live it. Above all. Live free. 

FF

Hope & Faith

 

                                                                     Hope & Faith

Hope? 

It's defined as a feeling of expectation, something like a desire for an event or something in particular to happen. This means, it doesn't mean it's going to, we just hope it will. Doesn't that sound scary? 

It sounds uncertain to me, uncertain events scare me, but they also excite me, for what does the future really hold. Who knows. After all, what we do today really does determine our future. You want a good future, a good career or job, financial stability. But you are sitting around binge watching Netflix all day and munching on digestive biscuits? that determines a very bleak future away from what you actually 'hoped' for or wanted for yourself. Whereas, studying hard, reading what is required, revising but also making 'you' time. You are destined for a great future. I am not saying you have to study every single minute of the day, no. But if you want a great future, don't just hope, put the work in today and live the rest of your life the way you had 'hoped' for. 

I am a strong believer in hope, I have lost hope in my life but I have also found hope and nurtured it. Hope keeps me going, as does faith. It provides me with a drive, something to hold onto when I am struggling and feeling there is no way out. 

Losing hope? Why? What has happened in life to make you lose hope? 

I have lost hope many times in my little life. I was sectioned at 21, diagnosed with mental health. Felt like my life was over, had no strength to carry on, I felt incredibly isolated and alone, hit rock bottom. I had lost hope. Or so I had thought. 

I kept fighting, fighting to stay alive, fighting to get out of that psychiatric hospital. Fighting to regain life and sanity. Fighting to be me, fighting to exist. Had I really lost hope? or had I just lost the conscious feeling of hope. I believe hope stays with us whether consciously or unconsciously, hope never leaves us. When we don't feel it anymore, it isn't because it isn't there. It's because we have become so consumed in our hurt, trauma and worries we neglect that feeling. 

What does hope feel like to you? ask yourself, write it down and embrace that feeling. For me, it provides me with comfort, warmth and strength that things, will get better and that there is a better outcome for me, there is, after all, hope. There is a future. A great, bright, happy future for me.

Now - lets talk about faith

Faith?

Whether religious or in general, does it provide the same feeling as hope?

Faith is defined as complete trust, whether in someone or something in particular. Faith is also in the doctrines of a religion. However, for now we will talk about faith without religion (Without disrespect) 

Without hope, is there faith?

I believe you can't have faith without hope. You can have hope without faith of course, but it's much better with the both, you may disagree of course but this is in my opinion. What a suit of armour you would have if you had both! 

To have faith you must truly believe in something and 'hope' that it transpires. 

I hope to have a good life, a good career and of course happiness, and I have faith that this will transpire. Of course I will need to put the work in. This like this doesn't just happen overnight or without putting the work in. 

A lot of people, including myself at time, feel I have neither because nothing seems to be happening in life, nothing I had hoped for or had faith in seems to have manifested. Why? because I/we neglected to put the work in, it can't happen without our input. We HAVE to work hard, you wan't to become a lawyer but you need to pass the bar examination? hope and faith may give you strength and the belief in yourself but ultimately you are the one who needs to put the work in and study hard to prevail and flourish to get to where you want to be. 

Always put the work in, but never lose hope, never lose faith and remember to always, always be kind to yourself. Remember consciously or unconsciously hope is still there, try to never neglect that feeling, if you find yourself losing it. Take a step back, breathe and find it again. 

Live Free

FF

About me & a little life lesson

 

About me

 Hey Rockstars, 

I'm Frankie, I'm a 25 year old student. I'm new to blogging so bear with me. There's a lot I plan to cover with my blogs, from mental health to everyday things and travel blogs. 

I am very passionate about mental health, I suffer with bipolar, amongst other things and in future blogs I plan to write my story. 

For now, a little intro to who I am, my thoughts and what I am about and a little life lesson 

I grew up in East London. Still living in East London. I finished my undergraduate degree last year in psychology, I am incredible passionate about helping others. It's almost like this is why I was put on earth. Everybody has a purpose, some people find theirs, others go through their lives never fulfilling their true potential. One of lives greatest sadnesses. Wasted potential. 

I feel my purpose on life, as cheesy as it sounds is to lift others up, in one way or another. I have this ability where I can literally feel other people's pain and emotions. If somebody is crying, I feel their hurt and I have an overwhelming desire and need to help them. I never want anybody to go through life feeling they are not good enough or they are not worthy.

Everybody, even the happiest of people wear a mask. Believe it or not. Everybody has their insecurities. No matter how happy someone may seem. No matter how perfect their life may be, they are somewhere deep inside hiding demons, wearing a mask. Just like me. 

I wear a mask everyday, sometimes my mask smiles when behind it I am crying, dying and trying so hard to get through the day without anybody noticing I am in pain. My mask shows none of that. Nobody can see behind your mask, you see. That's the sad part, the mask, masks the true pain but it also masks true beauty. Sometimes people are afraid to be themselves out of fear of judgement, persecution, bullying and god knows what else that happens in this day and age. They can't show their true beauty, the beauty on the inside, their glowing personality that shines through the beauty of their words and their amazing smile. Instead they are confined to the walls of their mask. 

I am a sad soul, however I have my happy moment, I enjoy life but I also find life sad. I have loved and lost. However, I have also experienced the beauty of life and I appreciate life, I could be worse off, I'm 25, I have all my limbs, I might suffer from mental health but I am healthy, I have a roof over my head, I have a loving family, I have hope I have faith and I am creating a better future for myself. I am very blessed. 

I appreciate things in life because I know there is always someone worse off than me, in some countries they walk miles just for drinking water, I think it's so important, no matter how hard it is, to truly appreciate what you have.

I'm not saying compare yourself. Because comparing leads to misery but be appreciative of the things you do posses and if you feel it is nothing, you always have life. Because where there is life, there is indeed, hope. 

Life - is a hard concept because nobody really knows what to do or what they're doing. We go through life questioning what the purpose of life is. We spend years questioning it. What is the purpose of life?

When really we should ask ourselves. how can I truly be happy? how can I fulfil my true potential? what is MY purpose in life? 

Asking what the purpose of life itself is, generalises it and means it's the same purpose for everybody. When rather we must zoom in on ourselves, be a little selfish and live our lives to the best possible way.

It's true when we say, life is short. I'm 25 and I already feel like my life is passing me by quicker than I blink. Life is short, we pass our date of death every year and none of us know, none of us know when our last day is, when the days are for our loved ones, our pets, our friends or our neighbours. Live life and love. Have faith and never lose hope. Head up, shoulders back, chest proud and crack on. Live life the best way you can. 

Never go to bed on an argument, cherish your loved ones, tell them you love them every single day, morning or evening or even mid afternoon. Make sure they know, tell yourself too. Love yourself and love life. One of the worst things in life is living with regret, I carry regret, heavily, it weighs me down greatly. Like a ton of bricks on my shoulders that I have to carry and everyday more bricks keep adding to the pile. Don't succumb to regret. Don't allow the bricks to fall heavily on your shoulders. Loosen the weights and forgive yourself even if you find it hard, don't be weighed down. If you can't run, walk but just keep moving through life. 

Structure and discipline, something an incredible gentleman taught me. Structure and discipline will see you through life. If you don't yet have it, create it. Find it, embrace it. 

It can be as simple as setting an alarm, making time for reading, house work, showering, walking or feeding the pets. Start off small and build up to it. 

The purpose of this is not to chew your ears off, or bore you with a life speech, it's to plant a seed of appreciation and hope. For you to know you can live, you can do it. You have got what it takes. 

For now, 

Work hard, Live life and Live Free

Love always 

FF